just a horrible day?

If someone asks me ‘how are you doing?’ (I mean really asks me, without meaning to just say it, the way I do, when I bump into someone early morning in the office elevator – when most times, I don’t even want to talk to anyone until I have had my first cup of coffee) – what would I say?  Crappy? Horrible? Or simply, ‘it’s been good’ – a reply I often give when I don’t care to explain how my day was, for somewhere I know the person asking doesn’t want me to go on ranting about my day. How do I know that the person in front of me genuinely wants to know what I am going through, without judging me and going tête-à-tête behind my back?

We are left with so little patience for others and even lesser for our own selves – we even ignore what our bodies and minds screech out to us ever so often. I learnt it the hard way when I had my first episode of SVT and thought I was dying any moment now. Alas! The lesson was short lived! It was just an SVT and not a heart attack and I knew it wasn’t life threatening, just continuous discomfort throughout my days and nights and days which were tougher than the others and nights which were darker than the rest… it was and has been just a discomfort which will not kill me and hence why must I change or do anything about the way I feel or absorb emotions and situations around me?

Isn’t it enough to smile and say “I am doing great” when you really are fragmenting bit by bit in your stomach. Shouldn’t what you say, each day, mindlessly, impact your life! Positive attracting positive? Power of positive thinking! No, for each word is a lie, and there is absolutely no synchronization between your words and your thoughts, between your thoughts and your actions and between your actions and your words…. Zilch!

And the best part is that you know it all, like a supra intelligent being and yet! You are where you are…

In all this misery laden story you do have a silver lining, you know about this person who would just know exactly what you are thinking… he would know the moment he sees you… but somehow on these days, the days when the food tastes bad, the heat intolerable, the night too long, the fall too hard, the house too noisy, the TV too bright, the people too insensitive, the work too prosaic,  he is not around… and that – that actually makes the day a living hell…. Everything else is bearable.