just a horrible day?

If someone asks me ‘how are you doing?’ (I mean really asks me, without meaning to just say it, the way I do, when I bump into someone early morning in the office elevator – when most times, I don’t even want to talk to anyone until I have had my first cup of coffee) – what would I say?  Crappy? Horrible? Or simply, ‘it’s been good’ – a reply I often give when I don’t care to explain how my day was, for somewhere I know the person asking doesn’t want me to go on ranting about my day. How do I know that the person in front of me genuinely wants to know what I am going through, without judging me and going tête-à-tête behind my back?

We are left with so little patience for others and even lesser for our own selves – we even ignore what our bodies and minds screech out to us ever so often. I learnt it the hard way when I had my first episode of SVT and thought I was dying any moment now. Alas! The lesson was short lived! It was just an SVT and not a heart attack and I knew it wasn’t life threatening, just continuous discomfort throughout my days and nights and days which were tougher than the others and nights which were darker than the rest… it was and has been just a discomfort which will not kill me and hence why must I change or do anything about the way I feel or absorb emotions and situations around me?

Isn’t it enough to smile and say “I am doing great” when you really are fragmenting bit by bit in your stomach. Shouldn’t what you say, each day, mindlessly, impact your life! Positive attracting positive? Power of positive thinking! No, for each word is a lie, and there is absolutely no synchronization between your words and your thoughts, between your thoughts and your actions and between your actions and your words…. Zilch!

And the best part is that you know it all, like a supra intelligent being and yet! You are where you are…

In all this misery laden story you do have a silver lining, you know about this person who would just know exactly what you are thinking… he would know the moment he sees you… but somehow on these days, the days when the food tastes bad, the heat intolerable, the night too long, the fall too hard, the house too noisy, the TV too bright, the people too insensitive, the work too prosaic,  he is not around… and that – that actually makes the day a living hell…. Everything else is bearable.

...Yaad hai baarishon ke din the woh, aur pahaadi ke neeche waadi mein dhundh se jhaank kar nikalti hui rail kee patariyaan guzarti thee. 

Aur dhundh mein aise lag rahe the ham, jaise do paudhe paas baithe hon. 

Ham bahut der patariyon par baithe us musaafir ka zikra karte rahe, jisko aana tha pichhli shab, par uskee aamad ka waqt talta raha... 

hum bahut der patriyon pe baithe hue train ka intazaar karte rahe. 

Train aayee na uska waqt hua, aur tum yun hee do qadam chalkar dhundh par paaon rakhke gum ho gaye……

....remembering old times, old poets....

.....Apparently the earth sometimes thinks of the possibility of coming closer to the sun. But she can not do that. She is so base and his brilliance so searing, that she will cause destruction if she draws him closer....

Oftentimes, some incidents, some people, some words stay put in your mind. Like fossilized bones they surface up every time you dig the dust of time and mercilessly force you to ask the same question without revealing the answer - "WHY?" - and when you once again fail to find the answer, you let the bones be, amass dust of time all over again, until its time to dig again...

Can a name reveal an identity?

Wrote a short one after a long time....Couldn't think of a title though....

How can I write to you what no words can explain?

For instance how can words sing to you?

A musical rendition – your first words of love,

That melt in the warmth of your kisses,

And play a lullaby to me each night away from you.

Or make you feel warm?

Like your loving caresses that embrace me,

In the immense lonesome winters.......

And pray! how can they ever love you?

The way I do – more tomorrow than every before

And as it is said “I shall but love thee better after death”....

It was an unusually quiet afternoon. I looked outside the window, turquoise blue lake Michigan smiled at me. I tried to smile back but it didn’t help. Two years – more than two years! Isn’t that a long time? - I thought to myself. How man learns to live and forget – or thinks has forgotten by consciously never letting some thoughts surface up. Today those thoughts kept coming back and I made no attempt to feign an indifference to their presence, even today, in some recess of my heart.

Unlike many other times, they weren’t discomforting, I think after a point in ones life, one is more comfortable with just accepting the truth, and not hiding it, not running away from it. But what was the truth? And did it matter?

I could feel the cold Scandinavian air blurring my eyes. Two years! I finally smiled to myself, nodded my head in disbelief and sat staring at my computer screen. It was an hour past after this train of thoughts had taken off an unusual journey in my mind. I hadn’t done a single bit of work today and I had no more intensions of doing so.

Duality – duality of nature – I used to once think that this is an uncommon feature. But the more I live, the more I experience, the more I realize an element of duality in all of us – without an exception – the degree of duality might differ though. When I say duality, I do not mean to refer to philosophical “Dualism”, nor to “duality” as used in politics – I mean, existing as two different personalities at a point in time. For example – extremely talkative Vs extremely quiet. Or a moralistic saint Vs a libertine.

I am not too sure why I thought about duality, I turned to look at the lake again – calm and serene. For all the disturbances, for all the good and bad that happens and will continue to happen, there was a calm in my heart too. I played my age old favourite “Yeh mera deewanapan hai”, closed my eyes and slept - with all that is me, with all that makes me better or worse… with all my thoughts, peacefully rested within me…

This conversation soooooooooooooooo deserves to be somewhere more public :D (and the song that transpired it - is here :))

Kanika says

I want to break free

Ojas Sabnis Likes it!

Paritosh Modi

tafree ke mood mein lag rahi hai ladki!!

Ojas Sabnis

Chalo tafree marte hain ;)

Kanika Jyotsna

haan chalo... am game :D

Amit Goyal

Lemme also join in!!

Kanika Jyotsna

karna kyaa hia par???? main apne ghar ki khidkiyoon se jo ki chabbiswein maale par hai, usse aasmaan gotakhori karne ki sonch rahi thi... neeche phoolon waale baageeche mein phir baith kar sonchte hain ki kya karna hai!

Ojas Sabnis

Height of vettiness. Three MBA students and an evs karamchari whose laptop is running out of battery :( Nice pic btw Kanika.

Kanika Jyotsna

Yaar Ojas... pic par comment karo to pata to chale logon ko ki comment hua hai !

Amit Goyal

@Ojas: Two yum-bee-yaa students wolso have assignments to be submitted tomorrow morning!!

Ojas Sabnis

Arey... baki log kahan gaye? Modi you will appreciate this.. we are drafting a patent application on a Buck Switcher. In short, we call it the Bakar (Bucker) circuit! Kanika - your comment above (re gotakhori) was a complete OHT.

Amit Goyal

I am guessing ghotakhori is a composite word - comes from "ghot" which is ob, and "khori" which I guess means excessive :P

Kanika Jyotsna

GOyallll tumne mera YumBeeYaY chura liya Misraa ke wall post se.... haddd hai plagiarism ki.... :((
and I have mid term tomorrow and one day day after... and one case competition also day day after....

Kanika Jyotsna

Ojas gotakhori means diving... maane sky diving karte hain...
Modi re kahan kho gaye tum? agar tum gore hote to yaaaa phir ganje hote to main gaati "khoya khoya chaand" :D :D

Amit Goyal
Ganja Modi- one WTF sight I tell ya!!

Amit Goyal

Lekin Halloween toh kal tha :P

Ojas Sabnis

I wanna skydive! Main sab se bada wannabe ghotakhor hoon! Anyone else game? All the best with your assignments, mid terms etc!

Kanika Jyotsna

haahahaaa am ROFL imagining a ganja Modi... hehehehehehe damm!!! tooo funny

Ojas Sabnis

Ganja is still possible (and inevitable).. lekin... Gora hone ki thodi dekhil sambhavana nahi hain!!

Amit Goyal

@Ojas: I am in whenever we get a chance!!

Paritosh Modi

bas bachhon bas!! itni bakar bhi na maaro ki haste haste pet kharaab ho jaaye!! luckily im neither gora nor ganja...to aap logon ka halloween plan gaya..but yes..if goyal can shave off his head we can have a T-rex egg for easter!

Amit Goyal

@Ojas: You def do not watch SRK's ad for fairness cream for men :P

Paritosh Modi

lagta hai tune bahut lagaya hai goyal!

Amit Goyal

@Pari: Lickily?? Ahem!! Case of khatte angoor I am guessing :P

Kanika Jyotsna

fairness cream which comes with a fairness measuring meter ....
and Modi... exactly coz u are NOT gora and can BECOME ganja our halloween plan stays intact :D bass ab SRK waali cream use karna mat shuru kar dena...

Kanika Jyotsna

not khatte angoor... khisiyaani billi khamba noche wala case maloom deta hai...

Ojas Sabnis

Chor ki dadhi mein tinka?

Paritosh Modi

yes exactly..now im a cat, and now a straw in a thief's beard!! what else can i do for your halloween sirs?

Kanika Jyotsna

Nothing actually.... halloween raat mein celebrate hota hai and u are also IAS - invisible after six.... so not much of a value addition to the halloween crowd visibly :D

Ojas Sabnis

Hehehe... IAS...Kanika on fyre!

Paritosh Modi

so all ur planning goes down the drain?!

AmitGoyal

@KJo: [You share that with a wierd guy, but that is yet another conversation.] Andhere mein Modi ke chamakte hue daant - competetive advantage hain, na ki value add!!

Kanika Jyotsna

kahan yaar... how bout the sound effectsssss :) ???

Kanika Jyotsna

and yeah... chamakte hue daant :)) Modi yeh tumhare Moti jaise daanto ka raaz kya hai ???

OjasSabnisss

rofl @ competitive advantage!

Amit Goyal

@Ojas: Don't ROFL on CA, they are the two most important words you learn at a BSchool X(

KKaanikaaaa

chalo bahut tafreee ho gayi... ab hum jaa rahe hain, incidently, i have mid term and the course is called "competitive strategy" :D
all the best with assignments and halloween :)